Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Lesson 14: I have more celebrity crushes now than at 13.

This post is dedicated to my husband, my real-life hunk, who didn't think my last post was snarky enough.  

Joel McHale.  Joel Kinnaman.  Ryan Gosling.  Channing Tatum.  What do these men all have in common?  They're hot.  They're rich.  They're unattainable.   Best of all, I'll never have to raise their children or cook and clean for them.

You see, lately I've been binge watching a lot of TV shows and movies on Netflix while falling in love with the leading men. Why?  My theory is simple.  The guys on the screen don't ask anything from me.  They are simply there to entertain me, to serve as eye candy, and to help me escape to a world where I am their sexy, carefree, childless costar.  I'm not alone. The thousands of hunky celebrity meme's on Pinterest prove it. (My favourite is the Gosling "Hey Girl" series).

Last night, I dreamed I met RoboCop (played by Kinnaman) at Walmart after purchasing milk, toast and Lucky Charms for my kids.  He told me he was surprised to run into me.  He was worried about me beacuse I hadn't been attending the Spanish class were both enrolled in at a local school.  I told him I was busy with mom stuff and couldn't make the class often.  

He then went on to say he was he interested in applying for a job at L'Oreal Canada.  He wanted to try a safer line of work.  Fighting crime in heavy armour was getting too risky. I admitted I had applied there about 10 years ago, and that it seemed like a great company to work for.  RoboCop seemed shocked.

"You applied ten years ago?" He asked in disbelief.  "You were like what then, 13?"  

I giggled and blushed like a little school girl.  RoboCop thought I was only 23!  Extra brownie points for him!

But what was supposed to turn into an R-rated dream suddenly fizzled out into a G-rated Disney movie, minus all the singing.   After RoboCop and I exchanged pleasantries at Walmart, he took me back to his place.  We were only hugging in the bedroom when I began to feel guilty about cheating on my husband and destroying our family.  Not only that, I also felt sorry for RoboCop's real life sweetie, Olivia Munn.  I didn't want her to feel jealous of us romping in his fancy apartment.  

And then I woke up to reality.  Before I could even get to the bathroom for my morning pee, I heard my kids fighting in the kitchen over who drank their milk the fastest as my husband coaxed my eldest out the door for school.  I closed my eyes, trying to conjure up sexy RoboCop again but all I could think of  was the pile the laundry and dirty dishes waiting for me downstairs.  Ah motherhood.   You can never truly escape it.  

Monday, 24 February 2014

Lesson 13: How to make a no-sew knight costume

I'm taking a beginner sewing class.  It's on Sunday afternoons with the talented quilter and owner of Deux Petites Souris.  My original motivation for enrolling was a desire to escape my family once a week.  Learning to operate a sewing machine was an added bonus.  

But after just two classes, I have to say that I'm enjoying sewing more than I thought I would.  It is strangely satisfying and addictive to be able to create something with my own two hands.  

Armed with my amateur skills, I set out to make my youngest a simple knight costume this morning. His daycare is hosting a medieval ball on Friday and the children will be dressed as knights, lords and princesses. I have to admit, I did not actually use any needles and thread for this project, but my newly acquired measuring and cutting techniques did come in handy.  (In my defence, I don't own a sewing machine yet, nor did I feel confident enough to attempt sewing something without my teacher's supervision!)

With a little patience, scissors, felt and adhesive, anyone can make this easy tunic and shield.  

I started with a piece of black felt I purchased at the fabric store.  My son is tiny, so I cut a 24 by 40 inch rectangle to make the tunic.  (It's enough to cover his torso and his bum when finished.)  Then I folded the felt in half and cut out a circle to slip his head through.  Easy!

Next I cut a small crest shape onto a grey piece of felt. I used iron-on hem tape to fasten the crest onto the front of the tunic.  My son wanted a fierce, yet sparkly lion on his crest.  I found a lion image on the web and traced it onto some red glitter felt.  Then, I carefully cut it out and used hot glue to attach it to the crest.  Why didn't I just iron it on with the hem tape?  Well, apparently sparkly felt immediately burns upon contact with high heat.  I learned this the hard way when I tried to iron on my lion and melted it to a shriveled clump instead.  Wanting to avoid a potential fire, I chose the glue gun on my second attempt.  Although, a needle and thread could have worked for this step as well.

I used foam board for the shield.  I cut out the shape I wanted and covered it with silver glitter foam (Yes, my little one is obsessed with glitter.)  I cut out red foam strips to make the decorative cross.  Last, I added foam letters to spell out his name.  Did I mention they had glitter on them?  My lord is now ready for his ball...